This is an article written by Filip Bondy of the New York Daily News. Bondy writes comical articles for the New York Daily News Sports Section and has an annual prediction column for the following year on New Years Eve. This year, Bondy didn't dissapoint as he produced another piece that would entertain any sports fan, especially the New York sports fan.
The sooth about 2007
The Great Bondy peers into his crystal ball to reveal the year ahead
By: Filip Bondy
I ought to be rich by now, cashing in on my astonishing prescient abilities. I should have made a fortune in the stock market, or a killing at the track.
Instead, I waste my talents on you, my unworthy readers, mapping out the events of the upcoming year, hitting exacta after trifecta - for nothing. This is growing tiresome, and it is not getting me any closer to my retirement savings goal. I offer you my insights, my ominous skinnies, my crystal visions of the future. In return, you give me only the nasty E-mails.
I predict you will do the same thing in 2007. You will turn the pages on these dire, accurate predictions, ignore my clarion warnings. Once again, you will not fete me, when these forecasts are proved accurate.
Why do I bother? It is a thankless task, but I press on. Here goes 2007, month by month, debacle by debacle:
January
Mark McGwire receives only 154 votes in Hall of Fame election, but the tally swells to 412 after his paper ballots are spotted ingesting an undisclosed dietary supplement.
Ohio State defeats Florida. Michigan is ranked No. 1 by postseason computer rankings that reward Wolverines because one of their former opponents (the Buckeyes) has defeated the No. 2 team in the country.
Tony Kornheiser insists that his dog can perform a better triple lutz than U.S. Figure Skating champion Johnny Weir.
Nate Robinson returns after suspension, but is placed on the 15-day squashed list after he is stomped during practice by Eddy Curry.
Tom Coughlin is six minutes late for 10:55 a.m. meeting with John Mara and is fired. "Ironic, isn't it?" Coughlin quips. He begins new career as improv comic on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Arizona Diamondbacks review copies of Randy Johnson's MRI, announce the deal with Yanks is off because his films resemble those of an 83-year-old llama.
February
Eddy Curry says he has gone on the Kenny "The Animal" Bannister Diet in order to lose weight. He begins eating hot dogs with mayonnaise for breakfast. Regimen doesn't appear to be working.
New Orleans Saints refuse to leave their locker room at halftime of Super Bowl after they finally discover Sean Payton was a replacement player during the NFL strike. Protest results in extended halftime show by Prince, including songs, "When Doves Bawl Their Eyes Out Endlessly," "Purple Forty Days of Rain," and "Extremely Slow Red Corvette." San Diego Chargers win championship by score of 6-3, ret.
Zinedine Zidane's sister tells him she always had a crush on Marco Materazzi. Zidane goes on head-butting rampage.
James Dolan announces plans for new Madison Square Garden on Staten Island. "Every other team, every other borough, they're all building new stuff," he says. "Now I get to build new stuff. And besides, Glen Sather says this is a good idea."
March
NHL announces that teams entering the third period of games either tied or with a lead will receive at least one point, creating yet another agate column in the standings. The Rangers now appear to be 10 games over .500, when they are really 30-45.
Janet Jackson purchases NFL team, proposes odd changes in shoulder pad design.
Knicks lose eight in a row, retain division lead.
April
Knicks win Atlantic crown with 30-52 mark, then lose first-round playoff series by scores of 113-74, 124-81, 141-120 and 153-78 in quadruple overtime. "We seemed to lose our focus after the third overtime period," Isiah Thomas says. Thomas receives contract extension and bonus hug from Dolan.
Wisconsin wins NCAA basketball title, just because I want that to happen and the sports world owes me big time.
Tiger Woods switches to the left side in order to land lucrative endorsement from Lefties Only. Wins Masters by seven strokes.
Entire NBA Atlantic Division relegated to Serie C in the Italian soccer league.
May
Alex Rodriguez says it doesn't matter that he's batting sixth in the order, because he just wants to win.
Cleveland Indians place caricature of Jew on their caps, of African-American on their jerseys. "Now maybe the Native Americans will stop complaining," says team president Paul Dolan. "This has never been about racism. It's just about us white executives poking fun at other races."
David Beckham announces he is finally ready to play in the MLS, only to discover the league has relocated to Canada.
June
Roger Federer beats Rafael Nadal for French Open title, vows he will compete with table tennis paddle at Wimbledon, just for the challenge. "I am Swiss and I am bored," he says. Tony Kornheiser says his dog has a better slice backhand than Nadal.
A-Rod insists it doesn't matter that he's batting seventh and hitting .224, because he just wants to win and, besides, October is the only thing that matters.
George Steinbrenner puts down the weights long enough to make rare appearance at Yankee Stadium. Roger Rubin of The News follows the Boss into parking lot and thinks he hears Steinbrenner say, "Paul O'Neill is a warlord."
Midseason addition Frederic Weis leads Cleveland Cavaliers to NBA title.
Tiki Barber announces his candidacy for President.
July
Tour de France winner Jan Ullrich tests positive for synthetic motor oil, denies that the lubricant provided an edge during his remarkable climbs in the Alps.
Larry Brown accepts $30 million to coach Long Island summer rec program, though he is a bit wary about the young, undersized roster.
A-Rod says it doesn't matter that he's batting eighth and hitting .203, because he just wants to win. October is the only thing that matters and these reporters need to get out of his face.
Red Sox win many games. Yankees win many games.
August
Pedro Martinez returns to action after rotator cuff operation, strikes out 14 and says his surgeons are his new daddy.
Barry Bonds appears to tie Hank Aaron's record for homers, but fails to make it all the way to home plate after his knees lock. Official retirement ceremony is held between second and third bases.
A-Rod says it doesn't matter that he's batting ninth and hitting .198, because he just wants to win and October is the only thing that matters and where was everybody when he hit the homer in the ninth inning of yesterday's 8-1 victory?
September
Yuri Sharapov accepts role as the Soup Nazi in new Broadway musical. Without advice from her father in the player's box, Maria Sharapova eats wrong fruit during changeover at the U.S. Open, breaks out in rash.
A-Rod says it doesn't matter that he is no longer batting at all; that Joe Torre has every right to DH for him instead of for the pitcher. He says he is playing third base like Brooks Robinson, and the only thing that matters is October.
Daisuke Matsuzaka wins 20th game but announces he will not participate in playoffs unless Red Sox post another $15 million to a hometown Little League team in Seibu. Negotiations go down to wire.
Carl Pavano says he will be ready for the playoffs, despite missing regular season due to bathtub tumble.
October
Mets are eliminated by Cards. Pedro says that Albert Pujols is his great-great daddy.
A-Rod bats .100 during first two rounds of playoffs, but insists it doesn't matter because the only thing that counts is the World Series.
Eric Mangini uses electric buzzer on Bill Belichick during midfield handshake. Both coaches laugh hysterically, become good buddies again.
A-Rod strikes out with bases loaded and two out to lose Game 7 of the World Series. He says the only thing that matters is next October.
November
Steinbrenner fires Torre. Or else he says that Torre is fired-up for next season. Nobody is certain, exactly.
Eli Manning is captured on video, poking sharp pins into a Philip Rivers doll. Many of the pins miss their target or are intercepted.
Knicks get off to slow start and Dolan buys out Thomas for $15 million - a bargain, by the team's ex-coach standards.
December
Jets fall to 6-9. Mangini decides it would be best to stop showing his team old fight films featuring Jerry Quarry and Karl Mildenberger.
The News nominates Pele for its Hall of Fame, righting a wrong of epic ignorance. Filip Bondy ends boycott of all the paper's sports promotions.
Zidane head-butts Dennis Rodman.
Tony Kornheiser's dog is hired to coach the Knicks - four years, $50 million.